Diary of the Dead
by Crushed Hale.x
Summary: Letters to Bella and Jasper. Contains heartbreak, rejection, mending, hurting, pain and suffering. Maybe if their lucky, fixing.
1. Goodbye means forever

_Never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away._

_And going away means forgetting._

_- Peter Pan_

* * *

Dear Jasper,

I know that I keep all my emotions bottled deep inside myself, I do my best to hide them from you. I'm sure your happy with Alice. Completely.

I'm only lying to myself, and I guess to you, if I said that I didn't care. Because I do. And it hurts more than you'll ever know.

You don't understand the extent of the pain. Sure, you feel peoples emotions, manipulate them if you wanted, but have you ever taken into consideration the depth of mine? I should only be so lucky.

I'm writing you this letter because I can't talk to you anymore. Not in the childish 'I'm not talking to you anymore' way, but more in the it hurts to much kind of way.

I'm not mad at you. I don't think it's possible for me to be mad at you. It's just when I talk to you, I realize how much it hurts, it steals my breath and my throat constricts. I can't breathe.

And when I realize all of this, realize that I love you, I realize how much I can't have you. How impossible it is.

For me.

Some people are easy to get over. It may take a day or two, but you meet someone who walks into your life, and changes you forever. That person leaves an indent, that indent grows and spreads to a crater, a crater creates a black hole.

You never get over that person, no matter how hard you try.

And I guess you're proof.

I could fill a thousand pages with my words, telling you how I felt and you still wouldn't understand. So now I'll leave your life without a sound, except my heart shattering as it hits the ground.

Goodbye,

Bella.

* * *

This is the first chapter of Letters. This will be updated when I have writers block.

Anyway, hopefully you like it. Who wants a series of this? Letters from Bella to Jasper or Jasper to Bella, or both?

Review and let me know.


	2. Holding my entire my world

_I'm jealous of everyone that has hugged you._

_Because at that moment, _

_although it remained unknown to me at the time,_

_They were holding my entire world._

_-Jasper._

* * *

Dear Bella,

Goodbye means forever, please do not say goodbye.

I am so sorry. Sorry doesn't begin to explain it. It's beyond words. Ironic, I'm a vampire, hundreds of years old, and an empath at that, and I can't even name all the emotions in me right now that your letter has caused.

I knew something was wrong. Something had to be wrong. I never looked further into it. I never looked underneath the lies. I take full responsibility.

I know that words won't bring you back from wherever it is you have fled to. The family is at a loss for words, but I sincerely hope you're with Peter and Charlotte.

But knowing you as I do, you are on your own, taking the blow by yourself.

Life isn't perfect, and I am happy with Alice. I love my wife, but I love you also, Bella. It's pathetic and selfish, taking one but wanting both. Alice is more of a habit, what I am accustomed to.

I know you are more spontaneous, and outgoing. I hate myself for this.

I'm hoping you see this in your vision. It's not like I can send addressed to 'Rogue Vampire Bella'.

Bella, come back. Please, please come back.

We can keep living the memories. Blending in at school with the humans, annoying Tanya and the Denali's.

You haven't even been a vampire very long, Bella. Two years isn't long enough to go on your own.

The memories are flitting through my head, why didn't I see it before? I fucking love you, darlin'. Just come back.

Sometimes, we're afraid to care for someone so much, so openly, in fear that the other person does not reciprocate that same feeling or desire. I openly admit, I was afraid of taking that chance with you. I wish I had.

I know that sometimes it's better to be alone so no one will share in your pain. But I want to share with you. For that reason, Alice and I will be divorced by this Tuesday.

Everything is so wrong. We need you here Bella.

I need you here.

You're it. You're the one.

All my love,

Jasper.

* * *

So Jasper did love Bells. Interesting, huh?

But where does that leave Alice?

Just to clear up the fact, Bella has visions like Alice, but hers are set in stone, she can see everything including werewolves.

Chapter was edited, thank you to stacie allison who pointed out my spelling mistake.


	3. Never wise

_A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love..._

listens but doesn't believe and leaves,

before she is left.

_I was never wise._

_- Bella.  
_

* * *

Dear Jasper,

I got your letter. So did Alice in case you're wondering why she hates you and I both right now.

I don't know why I even bother sending this, the previous was meant to be my last.

I thought you were worth fighting for, Jas. I held on to what I had so tightly, I feel sick.

Sometimes, you show more strength by letting go. Right now I feel weak. Stop getting Alice to check on me, I can feel her in my head. She hates it, and so do I.

I waited Jasper. I've waited four years. I've waited for something to start, that never did. I never had a chance, did I? Look where it got me.

I've learnt so many things in my short time alone. The people that you look up to the most are most likely the ones that will let you down. Again, you are proof.

You're heart will be broken, and you will break hearts. I broke Edward's. You broke mine.

It hurts every time. I wouldn't be strong enough to spill my emotions so freely face to face.

Nothing in me is going to change. I really loved you at some point. And part of me still does. It's hard to let go, no matter how hard I strive to.

I have to face it. It's a lose-lose situation, and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Bella.


	4. Rose let me in

__

_Rose let me into your room today._

__The photo's of us together were hidden in the closet

It looked like they were thrown around angrily.

For that, I feel worthless.

_- Jasper.  
_

* * *

Dear Bella.

I am a coward.

When Rosalie let me into your room, she left right away. Everyone did. I was projecting depression without noticing. Emmett jokes that we should get Ecstasy pills.

I didn't feel like laughing, either.

I sat on the edge of your bed, the blankets still smell like you, and it makes me miss you so much more. I can see you in my head, smell you, but I can't touch you.

Rose said the look on my face told her I was a mess. That's why she let me in your room. So that's why I'm sitting on your bed, writing this letter.

Today would have been our fifth Christmas together. I would have gotten you the most amazing gift and relished in seeing you smile that smile especially for me.

But your not here. Because I drove you away.

I miss you.

Please write back.

Love,

Jasper.


	5. Who knew

_The only true painful good-byes are the,  
_  
_ones that are never said and never,  
_  
_explained._

_-Jasper._

* * *

Dear Bella,

It's new years, and who knew vampires could get drunk?

It sure takes a lot! But hell, it worked.

Why won't you come back, Bells? It's fucking shit living here without you! I need my Bella back. Why won't you come back?

It's not fair. I've opened my eyes, we can make this work. I'm so, so, so, so, so , so, so, so sorry for everything I put you through. I deserve to walk eternity alone, but i'm selfish.

I need you.

Yours for eternity,

Jasper.


	6. Counting and counted

_Not everything that can be counted counts,_

and not everything that counts can be counted.  


_-Jasper._

* * *

Dear Bella,

I sincerely apologize for the previous letter.

I shouldn't have crept into your room drunk to write it. I shouldn't be venting my emotions onto you. It isn't fair.

I just want you back. But I guess I never truly had you to begin with, did I? That was my fault. I realize that now.

I realize so much more now.

But why won't you write back? I know you're seeing these, and even if your not, I'm leaving them under your pillow. You will come back, right Bella?

I've been drawing a staright line with a crooked pencil. I see that now.

Emmett needs his little sister.

Rosalie needs her little sister. She loves you so much Bella, she's falling apart.

Edward is still heart-broken, though he and Alice have left to stay with the Denali's for a while.

Esme needs her daughter. She's been through the losing of a child once, and now she relives that pain.

Carlisle understands your decision to leave. Though he wished you wouldn't.

He said he could see that we were true mates. Meant for each other. He could tell, because it was the same with Esme. I swear he's like Peter. The man knows shit.

I'm making excuses. There isn't enough paper in the world that I could write my reasons for needing you.

I've already got the Volturi in mind. But I refuse to be like Edward.

Maybe I'll cross the Treaty line instead.

Love is torn,

Jasper.


	7. I don't see you

_Reality is what you can see._

_I just don't see you anymore._

_- Bella._

* * *

Jasper,

Just stop it.

I'm too tired to keep this up. Just be with Alice! I don't care anymore! I. Have. Had. Enough.

I spent so much time waiting, Jas. I put everything on hold for you.

I'm not coming home.

I couldn't face it. I'm weak.

I'm doing this on my own.

I need this to prove I can do something right, that part of me is strong.

This letter is proof I'm not.

Bella.


	8. The memories

_The memories are killing me._

_And I can't take this game,_

_But when I close my eyes and see you,_

_It's worth every ounce of pain._

_._

_- Jasper._

* * *

Dearest Bella.

You're still not home.

Will you ever be?

I'm still in your room. Your smell is still here too. Not in your bed, but on the carpet and the walls. I won't touch the couch in fear of taking the scent away. I know it'll make me face reality.

I'm clinging to the hopes that you'll come home, but I know how bad I hurt you. The chances are slim.

I was so used to being on the heart-breaker. But now the roles are reversed.

Now I'm the heart-broken.

You have no idea how much I need you.

It's just not the same. I want to rip my hair out and fall into insanity, in my imagination where we're together. Happy.

But I ruined that didn't I?

Will you ever give me another chance?

Eternally yours,

Jasper. x


	9. Cut from behind

_Our candle burns away_  
_The ashes full of lies_  
_I gave my soul to you_  
_You cut me from behind._

_._

_- Bella._

* * *

Dear Jasper.

I know it's tough, and this is your method of coping. But it's not good, Jas. Not for your sanity, and not for mine.

It's making my head spin. I would have killed for all of this before, but now..

Jas, it's not real. It's all a horrible illusion. You're lying to yourself, in turn, lying to me, to everyone. You're trying to fool yourself into loving me, only wanting me because I'm gone.

You have to realise, there is always a chance I may never come home.

Garrett says I should just go home, forgive and forget he said.

It's harder than that. I can't forgive and there's no chance of me ever forgetting.

Just calm down, okay? Can you do that for me, Jas?

I know I don't really have a right in asking, but you're hurting Rosalie so badly. Look at her, she barely looks in the mirror now, she watches you, tries to mask anything of mine and won't bring up the subject of me near you.

She's crying every night when no one can see her break.

Please look after her.

I'll be back one day, Jas. Tell her that.

Love,

Bella.


	10. Burning me away

_This love, this hate,  
Is burning me away,  
It's hard to face,  
That we're all the same__._

_._

_- Bella._

* * *

She stood under the shade of a large oak tree, her normally honey colored eyes were dull, fading out to grey, as she watched the scene in her head.

_Jasper threw all the letters he had written her across the room, shredding them apart in the process. He tore apart her bed, ripping the covers off and throwing the pillows at the wall._

_After a few minutes, he broke down, sobbing. Cradling his head in his hands, he fell to the floor._

_"Bella.." He whispered._

Her eyes returned to the normal honey shade.

"Another vision, Bella?" Her companion asked hesitantly. She turned to face Garrett. He was a rogue vampire that had taken down a pack of wolves in her defence. She had been weak, having not hunted for days, and they were not as friendly as Sam's pack had been.

Since then, Garrett had stayed with her until she decided to send him on his way. Truth be told, she needed the companion. She had been an only child, she felt like Garrett took on the older brother role.

She could only nod in response to his question. Lifting her head to look up into his red eyes,

"I need to go home." She whispered brokenly.


	11. Look alive

_I look alive,  
I'm dead inside.  
My heart has holes and  
Black blood flows._

_._

_- Jasper._

* * *

I could safely say, crossing the Treaty line was all I could think about. I guess that was part of the reason why I stood here. Mere metres away from the invisible line. All that separated myself and a true death, was a few steps.

The invisible line.

I slowly lifted my right foot, taking the first step.

I didn't sense it, I didn't see it, and it was too late.

I felt small arms encircle around my waist as a small body crashed into mine, throwing me further away from my death. I thrashed about, but the hold tightened.

"Fuck off! Let me go!" I hissed as I struggled more, when I thought the hold couldn't tighten anymore, I tried to push the tiny person off of me. No one could take this away from me. Not again. I wouldn't lose again.

"Let me go!" I yelled, my voice was hoarse, broken. A head lay on my chest.

"Jasper.." I stiffened, before looking down. Long brown hair, pale skin, and golden eyes looked back at me.

"Bella?" I whispered, disbelief easy to read in my voice. Slowly, I reached out and touched her face, anything to tell myself that I wasn't imagining this. She was real. She had to be real.

A smile lit up my face as my hand touched her cheek, she didn't fade away, she wasn't blown away, she didn't disappear. She was real! Bella was here!

I couldn't contain the grin, nor the happiness I could feel right now. I knew I was projecting, I tried to reign it in, I just couldn't. Seeing Bella's face light up sent me into an even happier state of bliss.

Wrapping my arms around her small frame, I couldn't be happier.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "So, so, sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I missed you, I love you, I-"

"Jas, shut up." She laughed, before kissing my temple. "Lets go home, okay?" The smile on her face was all it took for me to nod dumbly.

"Anything for you."

* * *

Bam! The end! We never really found out why they were hurt, why they argued, but we know that they're going to forget all of that and be happy.


End file.
